The Princess

“Who the hell are you? And how long have you been here watching me sleep?!” she shouted. Oh. My. God. This girl cannot be serious.

“Girl, I’m here to save your damn life!” I yelled.

My father had sent (forced) me to save this princess. I hadn’t the slightest interest in doing so, in all honesty. I mean, she held the title ‘princess’. That alone rang alarm bells.

“I don’t need you to save my damn life!” the princess snapped back. She reminded me of my sister. And that’s not a good thing.

The idea was for me to go into the castle, find the princess, kiss her on the lips, wake her up and flee with her. She allegedly had been sleeping for years and could only wake up if when was kissed on the lips by the first male who could rescue her. Sounds romantic, right? Not to me! If she had really been sleeping for that long, her breath could not possibly smell sweet. That was a major concern for me.

“I did not just use nearly all of my data allowance for this month on Google maps, trying to find you. Let’s just go please,” I protested.

“Aren’t you supposed to kiss me?” she asked. I’m not even sure how she knew that was supposed to happen.

“Yes, but you’re awake now. Besides, if you had such an issue with me simply being here whilst you were sleeping, imagine the scene you would have caused if I kissed you!” I shot back.

I was expecting her to respond with a quick-fire insult, or even attempt to inflict physical violence upon me. But instead, to my surprise, she pulled out an iPhone from beneath the sheets.

“How in the world do you have an iPhone? I thought you’d been sleeping for years!” I enquired, genuinely baffled.

“Did you actually believe that nonsense? You really thought that you could just come in and kiss me and I’d suddenly awake from this heavenly sleep? You really thought someone could stay alive for all those years without eating and not die?” she fired.

This was not making sense at all. I mean, what she said made sense, but this was not panning out how my father said it would.

The next thing I knew, the princess had opened up Instagram and was taking a selfie with me in the background, looking confused as ever.

“What’s your username? I’ll tag you. I’ll caption it ‘contouring on point’. Hashtag new bae,” she gushed.

I was completely speechless. Had my father lied to me or was this part of his plan all along? Was he somehow misinformed of how this whole situation was supposed to take place.

All I knew was I had to somehow get this princess back to where I had started and that was definitely going to be difficult.

Attitude Cat

That cat had attitude.

You would have thought that she’d be appreciative of the fact that I took her in and gave her a nice home. Perhaps she just doesn’t quite understand how the human world works. She walks around as if I’m her slave or something! I don’t even think about trying to pick her up or pet her anymore- she just won’t have any of it.

I’ll never forget that one particular day. It was a cold January afternoon and I had to hurry off to meet my friends. I almost forgot that Mimi was outside and didn’t want her to stay out there in the cold whilst nobody was at home to let her back inside. I remember opening the back door and calling her name, expecting that she would come running like the neighbour’s cat usually did. Who was I kidding. This was Mimi I was dealing with. For five minutes I calling her, until I realised that she wasn’t coming.

Back inside, I quickly put my jacket on and was about to leave when I heard an almost irritated “meow” at the back door. Low and behold, it was Mimi. I’m not quite sure if it was just a coincidence that she turned up when she did or if she heard me calling her and decided to take her time in coming back home. Either way, I was glad she would be inside, though not best pleased with her timing. I wouldn’t be surprised if she somehow knew I had to be somewhere and deliberately turned up when she did.

Just as I went to leave for a final time, I heard some more “meows” coming from the kitchen. I was certain that she wanted something, as that was the only time she meowed. I rushed into the kitchen, conscious of time and realised Mimi hadn’t been fed. It was unlike me to forget to feed her, but I suppose being in such a rush caused it to slip my mind.

As I quickly dished out her food, I noticed her sitting and staring at me in the most impolite manner. She was meowing too. I somehow got the feeling that she was insulting me and demanding her food be served right that instant. Her walk at that particular time was also eerily similar to that of a previous girlfriend whose attitude cost us our relationship.

When I finally did get to leave my house, I played back the events of the last twenty minutes in my head.

That cat really did have attitude.

Useless Slave

Turns out he was looking for a new master. Apparently I was the one he wanted.

I suppose I was the unlucky one in this scenario. He wasn’t like the slaves that the others spoke about. Apparently they spoke in affectionate tones and fed them gourmet food off their own special plates. Some of them were even allowed to share beds with their slaves.

My slave was called Jerome. I’m not quite sure why exactly he wanted a master, as his actions were very bizarre towards me. There was certainly no affection in his voice, no gourmet food from his plate and definitely no sleeping in his bed. He had no clue. You’d have thought that he would at least have the decency to not try and touch me whenever he deemed it appropriate, let alone try and lift me off the ground at every given opportunity. I suppose once I protested and hissed at him, he got the message and cut that silly behaviour out right away.

I recall one January afternoon being outside, simply minding my own business and dozing off every now and then. In the distance, I could hear Jerome calling my name. Did he have absolutely no respect for me? How dare he call my name so loud for everyone to hear? This went on for about five minutes, until I heard him close the back door.

After a failed attempt to try and doze off again, due to being disturbed by Jerome’s outrageous behaviour, I decided to go back to the headquarters and see what was going on. There was no visible sign of Jerome, so I decided to protest outside the back door. The buffoon soon decided to let me in. He was dressed in the usual odd clothing he wears when he goes to visit the other slaves that don’t yet have masters. He appeared to be in a hurry to go.

Since he had wound me up so much by hollering my name for the whole world to hear, I decided to put on my sassiest walk past him as I went to get something to eat.
To my absolute dismay, Jerome had forgotten to prepare my dinner. I began to complain loudly to him. I insulted his sheer slowness and terrible memory. I just had to throw in the fact that the food he was preparing wasn’t particularly nice, either. So he rushed over, quickly prepared my dinner and ran out of the house.

Bloody useless idiot, I thought. What did I do to end up with this particular slave?

That Time

My entire body, being caressed tenderly by the most gentle touch, began to slip into an almost orgasmic state of perfection. From head to toe, every skin cell upon my delicate body was being fondled lovingly.

The fresh, crispness against my frame felt wonderful; the scent of summertime flowers adding pure bliss to this beautiful moment.

Slowly yet surely, my body began to unwind. The tension held deep within my muscles slowly began to release. The long commute to work followed by back to back meetings were soon alleviated from my mind, body and soul. Soon enough, nothing but pure joy radiated from me. My mind had emptied itself of all the stress, negativity and hassles of the day. I was in a state of pure peace.

Not a thing could ever come before my favourite time of day. That very special time where the lights are turned down low, candles are lit and I’ve had my bubble bath for the evening. There’s not any better time than bedtime after a long, hard day.

The fresh bedsheets that are so enticing welcome you back each and every night, hypnotising you into a euphoric state of ecstasy, inducing a deep, well deserved sleep.

4AM Garbage

That particular night, I tossed and turned. I just could not get to sleep! After a while, I decided to go downstairs for a cigarette. It was then I realised it was 4AM. Great, I thought. Tomorrow will be a struggle trying to get up for work.

The only sound that could be heard was the clicking of my lighter. I gazed outside my kitchen window, admiring the peacefulness of the street at this time of the morning. There was not a single stir. The glow from the street lights added a warmth to the chilly air.

Everything was going so well until in the corner of my eye, I noticed a bin bag. My bin bag. Which had been shredded into tiny chunks, along with the discarded waste inside the bag. The fox had only gone and taken out all his pent up frustrations on my poor bin bag. It was now 4:05AM and as well as being restless, I was also tasked with having to clean up shredded garbage. In my pyjamas.

Like most people, I was not keen on garbage, let alone shredded garbage on the floor outside. Nor was I best pleased about having to go outside in my pyjamas at 4AM. The excitement of my next mission filled my veins with adrenaline and passion.

Not.

Upon further observation of the garbage, I noticed something which caused me to jump; much like when receiving an electric shock.

My sanitary towels were exposed and in plain view for all on the street to see. They were scattered all over my front garden, as if to mark their territory. All sarcasm exited my mind and all of a sudden I wanted to do nothing more than go outside at 4AM and clean the garbage. God forbid the men on the street woke up to witness such a terrifying ordeal, in particular my old uncle who happened to live a few doors down.

Once the painstaking task was at hand, my body had no intentions of letting me sleep again. I decided to go back to bed and was pleasantly surprised when I had the urge to close my eyes and fall asleep.

Just before I dozed off, I smiled to myself. What a night/morning!