As he lay there next to her, blissfully unaware of the depths of her depression, she stared at the ceiling. The only warmth she felt was that from his slender body. Her mind was completely numb, much like her body. The only physical pain she felt was the burning from her eyes; rubbed until they were red, raw and swollen.
Never before had she felt so bad. She knew she had overcome far worse scenarios in her lifetime, yet this time it was different somehow. It was as if every occasion she felt sad, lonely and depressed had avalanched and crashed down on her – sucking her into the ever growing snowball that was quickly gaining speed as it launched downhill.
In her head an image appeared of a much smaller, younger version of herself at her second birthday party. Her features were cute and delicate. Her clothes fitted perfectly on her tiny frame. In her hand she clutched a small stuffed toy with brown skin and electric blue hair. It could also be seen in sticker form on a small chalkboard in the background. If only this minute version of herself could envision the years of pain that would follow. If only this small child realised that this particular birthday would be the last one where she felt true happiness before her life would turn around for the worst.
The next image that appeared in her mind was being with her grandfather. He was much younger back then, though she was clearly a few years older than her last memory. He was slouched in front of the television; not sitting on the sofa but on the floor as he quietly absorbed the images on the screen. She felt a sudden urge to chuckle at the though of the big backed television that stretched about eight inches from the wall, however her mood was so low that this urge was nothing but a momentary impulse.
Grandfather loved her as he loved his own children and always let her decide what the viewing choice would be. He never neglected her tastebuds of a fizzy beverage. He was always ready for a game of cards and would periodically check that she was alright if ever she went to play by herself. Grandfather had taken her in soon after her last happy birthday, once her parents had broken up.
She recollected how she missed being with her father in those days. She was fairly happy though always felt that something was missing back then. Most of her school friends had both of their parents with them at all times and she was often chastised for having parents who were not married. When she was with her mother she missed her father dearly and often spoke to him on the phone multiple times a day.
A bittersweet memory flashed before her eyes. Her father unexpectedly turned up at her front door with a small keyboard in his hand – a gift to her. She was ecstatic with the gift and couldn’t wait to come upstairs and play with it! She was soon, however, sad that he couldn’t come inside and had only come over to give her the keyboard. In the months to follow, she would realise that this keyboard demonstrated her clear talent for music; beautiful rhythms being created from her little fingers.
Back in the present, she heard mumbling, nonsensical statements coming from her boyfriend. He began to ask her questions about the choice of snacks that were downstairs but suddenly began to speak about the Fast & Furious franchise and how they could not be eaten. This confirmed to her that he was still half asleep, so she continued to reminisce deeper.
She remembered coming home from school one day in early Autumn. She was no longer living with her grandfather and had moved into her mother’s boyfriend’s house. Her mother’s boyfriend never liked her and would often torment her when her mother was at work, which happened to be a lot of the time. As she lifted her foot onto the highly raised stone step, she turned the key and opened the door a crack. Her could be heard clearly speaking on the telephone, to whom it was, unknown.
“She’s an idiot. Such an idiot! I don’t understand how someone could be such an idiot!”
It was obviously about her, as she was accustomed to this sort of behaviour by now. She pondered on whether or not she should just walk away and go elsewhere, but foolishly she continued to listen on for about five minutes. This conversation continued for the entire five minutes and repeatedly emphasised how much of an idiot she was.
“Anyways, I have to go now as she’s coming. Bye.”
She stepped inside and her mother’s boyfriend, who she referred to as her stepdad for the sake of convenience, barely acknowledged her. She immediately went upstairs into her room and cried. Things like this would happen far too often and she was helpless. There was a clear exit to this situation, however her mother would not allow her to live anywhere else, even though her grandfather and father were willing to take her in.
Another time she recalled being upstairs in her room and overhearing her younger half-sister, who could barely talk, spurn out full sentences which she could have only been instructed to say.
“Mummy, daddy, me, baby and Sydney. Oh no, not Sydney! She’s not part of the family!”
Sydney knew that she was the outsider. She never wanted to be part of that family, though she wanted to be part of a family. Her own family which she felt deprived of – her aunties, uncles and cousins who barely knew what she was living through since she was a professional at pretending everything was fine.
She often protested to her mother about being the odd one out. Her mother would furiously deny this and tell her to stop being silly, however it was clear from the start. She recalled reading a card on the mantle piece from her stepfather’s mother, which was addressed to every individual person within the family except for Sydney. Instead of her name, it read ‘& family.’ She pointed this out to her mother, who was clearly irritated by that but didn’t say anything.
At that point, her boyfriend awoke and apologised for falling asleep. He asked if she was still hungry and began to discuss options for food. He suggested pizza, to which she agreed to on the basis that he would order it. He protested that he did not have the login details to order online, so Sydney agreed to log on and let him do the rest. He half heartedly had a look through the website and exclaimed that he could not find the special offer code. At the point, she was so fed up with everything and did not have the energy to jump in and help someone else who was clearly just being lazy. Besides, she was fine with going hungry due to her deep depression. Her boyfriend soon gave up and she went back to reminiscing.
Back in the past, her youngest sister seemed to adore Sydney. There was a particular upsetting episode where Sydney unbuckled her little sister’s seatbelt just before her stepfather opened the car door to lift her out. As soon as the door opened, her small sister fell out and onto the concrete pavement, where she began to cry.
“SYDNEY!” Her stepfather shouted. “Why the hell did you do that!”
“I was just trying to help!” A young Sydney replied, holding back her own tears.
“I don’t need any help!” He replied, slamming the door shut as she got out. “She’s lucky to still be alive!”
Everyone went inside the house. Sydney went upstairs and cried in her bedroom, something that had become very normal over the years. She felt so guilty, yet so sad and trapped. On many occasions she thought about running away and never coming back. She believed she would be better off in a foster home or in social care; even living rough on the streets.
There were many times that she would open the window of her loft room and ponder if she could jump from the top to the bottom without hurting herself or making too much noise. If she did go through with it, she would have to run like the wind to get away. Once she even went as far as putting on her coat to go, but sense got the better of her.
Weekends were an escape for her. She would go to her father’s house where she felt free. She could go to the fridge and eat whatever she wanted without being told off for something. She could stay up past 8:30. She could change the television channel and watch what she liked. She could speak without being told to “Shh!” She could shower twice a day without fear that the shower would ‘coincidentally’ turn cold. Sunday’s were the worst though, as she knew she had to face four days of living in hell once again.
“I somehow endured all of that for nine years of my life and I’m having a complete breakdown now?” Sydney pondered to herself. She panned back to the present day again and thought about her current situation. She never really got over her childhood torment and still never forgave her mother for allowing her to be treated like that. Often, Sydney would brush issues in her life under the rug rather than deal with them and they would come back to haunt her when everything went wrong.
Sydney felt she had let herself down. She was doing so well in her life since moving back in with her grandfather. She passed her schooling with flying colours and worked hard to pay her way as much as she could. She had landed an Intern job with one of the best companies in the country. To the outside world, she was living the dream.
Little did everyone know that her dream job had suddenly been axed and she was now being thrown around from stupid, pointless job to stupid, pointless job within the company – clearly to fill gaps that nobody else wanted to. This really shook her up and coincided with the end to an already emotional year.
Sydney was only a human being, a fairly young one at that and had already dealt with issues that many people around her would have never remotely experience in her life. She believed she could bounce back as she usually did but this time it was different.
LopezLibraShortStories 